Controllers Anonymous

Hello, my name is Kelly (Hi Kelly). I've been a controller since August 1, 1977. My low point came when my adoptive children moved in and I would have battles about simple things like where they put their plate or what clothes they wore. I'm proud to say that I have been control free for 15 seconds.

Yep, I'm controlling. Now, to be fair, there are some things that I NEED to be controlling about right now because I have 3 little control freaks living in my home (the cup needs be there...2 cm away from where I set it, I said I wanted water (he really asked for milk but changed his mind as soon as it got there). Also-there are a few good things about being controlling. Controlling people are typically self-motivated (because we want it done our way!), hard-workers (see before), and do-ers. There are a lot, a lot, a lot of controlling people WHO ADOPT. I've thought a lot about that recently wondering why all of us controllers would put ourselves into situations where we are completely out of control. The answer I've arrived at is we are controlling...we see a need and we must control it-we don't think that anyone else is going to do anything so we swoop in & do what needs to be done. Obviously, there were more factors in our adoption than just my controlling nature (compassion, God's will, our obedience, etc).

But, I digress...this whole adoption process has been a hard, hard road. We all have demons in our closets & most of us don't even know it. Christians are particularly bad about any "problems" we have in our lives. We tend to pass it off with a "well-God's not done with me yet...". I can't do that anymore, if I want to be able to attach to my children and have a home that is full of love I've got to make a change. Currently, our home is full of virtual land mines with every single one of us throwing our own brand out for others to step on. Right now, Control, anger, frustration, fear, nausea, irritation, annoyance...characterize our home. I don't want that. No one wants that.

How do I "fix it"? Well, I think that I'm making a good first step by acknowledging my level of control. But the reason I got this way is an underlying issue that I will need to work on my whole life-no I'm not saying that I've experienced trauma that I need to wade through. I'm just saying that you don't get this way overnight. Things will take time. I will need your prayers.
Most importantly I've got Jesus. The only way I can change is by becoming more like Him. That doesn't happen overnight.

Pray for me, pray for our family, pray that we will find peace. Pray that I will open myself up more fully to Jesus than I ever have before.

Well...I take the first step in the process. It's gonna be hard but the souls of my children are worth it.

OOOh...this is good stuff to help people try to understand

I am borrowing this from a fellow adoptive parents website-she is awesome & has an awesome support group. I WISH I had it as together as she did & was brave enough to say what she says. RAD stands for reactive attachment disorder-something that every adoptive child/adoptive family deals with on some level to some degree. On that note...here it is:
"From Diana, who I love very much. We are so very different, but so very the same (which is my favorite kind of person!). She is an encouragement to me. You will not find a mother who advocates or fights harder for her kids ... even when it means getting snarky. Today's quote is just a little reminder for all of us. We have all found ourselves being judgmental in some way at some time. My high point was before I had kids and I knew EVERYTHING about parenting. Anyone else? Come on ... I see that hand, sister! I will say that one of the most painful things I've had said to me in the last year and a half was, "Ah heck, MY kids do that!" You could probably isolate some of these behaviors and identify them as "developmentally appropriate." However, in our homes, they are multiplied by a million and then laced with speed.Oh, how I wish I were exaggerating. Seriously. No exaggeration. And on that note ... ladies and gentlement ...

Diana:"What? You don’t get it? You can’t imagine an adorable precious 5 year old child creating this much terror and driving their mother to such lunacy? You want to try to minimize the situation or one-up me by telling me this is just “normal” kid stuff and your “normal” kid does this, too? Perhaps you’re finding yourself wanting to dole out all sorts of benevolent parenting advice…or maybe you’re tempted to judge me because of my honesty and blame me for causing all the problems – maybe he’s the way he is because I’m too strict in some areas or too permissive in others or because I have anger issues of my own? Well, let me tell you. If you fall into any of those categories above, spare me the lecture (I’ve heard them all anyway) and get down on your knees right now and thank God that you don’t get it. Seriously. Rather than trying to play the hero armchair quarterback, get down and thank God that you don’t know what it’s like to live with a traumatized child…a child who is the way he is because of the STUPID, SELFISH choices of other people…and then pray that His grace and mercy and strength will be with those of us who do live with these kids and that He will carry us through the rough times like this. And when you’re done, hug your own kids a little tighter; catch them doing something right; express a little more gratitude for them; take a few minutes to play with them and don’t forget to tell them just how much you love them and how glad you are to be their parent."

We love our children. We do not regret our children. We accept and embrace this crazy, RADical life we live. We are committed to their health and well being. And we absolutely, positively cannot do it alone. If you are called to be in our lives, to be our support, we will kiss you on the mouth and let you know what we need from you (always, ALWAYS, start with something sweet and fattening). If you just don't get it, don't feel bad. It even took all of US a long time to get it. Just journal it. Keep it to yourself unless you are asking questions to learn and understand more. Our children are scared, yes, but it does result in us getting emotionally beat to a pulp each and every day. As my Mom and Dad used to say (usually to a Deacon - ba-dum-bum-CHING!), "Hey! I can get this kind of abuse at home. I don't need it from you!"
"It takes a village to keep a special needs parent from jumping off the roof."-Christine Moers"

I love it. If I had guts and a better vocabulary, I'd say the exact same thing. We love you all & we appreciate you being in our lives. God put you there for a reason. So...Pray for us, Love us, Tolerate Us, but most of all just let us know that you are there.

Sorry...I lied

I know I said I was done posting but this is too important. There is a boy who needs a good, stable home. I don't know this boy but I read his mother's blog. I got to her blog through a series of other adoption/post adoption/reactive attachment disorder blogs that I read. It helps to read that others are going through the same stuff as you-or worse. I am not a good savvy blogger so I'll have to just post the link for you to go to. This boy will need a loving home in which he is the youngest (by a ways) or the only child. Please forward this to whoever you think might be interested. Please, please pray for this boy & this family. I CANNOT imagine having to make this choice. The website is: http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/family-needed/

Thanks & keep praying!

I wanted to take a quick minute to let people know that I will no longer be blogging at this site. The original purpose of this blog was to keep people posted on our adoption process. That has been successful & so my blog served it's purpose. Keep checking Dan's blog for some good postings. If anyone is interested in any good adoption blogs to read or blogs about Reactive Attachment Disorder you can email me at kelly.freng@live.com and I'll send those to you. Thanks.

Space issues

No, I'm not talking about Pluto becoming a dwarf planet; or the water planet that Isaac says he loves me to & back again (which I'm not sure if it really exists or not...but it's cute)-I'm talking about the good old fashioned "I need my space" kinda space.
Here is my scenario-we live in a 3 bedroom 3 leveled townhome-it is awesome it has all the functional space we need. The 3 boys share the master bedroom, the girls share a room, and Dan, Thelma, and I share a room! We have a perfect amount of living space for our needs right now.
Here is my problem-I have 5 small children. 5 of whom LOVE Noah's stuff. Noah is so frustrated when he builds a cool lego thingy and comes home from school and it is destroyed or his nerf gun darts are chewed up, or his favorite GI joe's pants have disappeared & may reappear on Barbie next door-hmmm....
I've tried many, many different things. What prompted this post was Brian walking past me holding one of Noah's old soccer trophies and Shamie following him holding Noah's nerf gun and Noah's "special" teddy bear. All three of those are on the do NOT touch list but yet...in plain sight they are walking around with them.
Anyone have any practical solutions for this problem? I don't blame Noah for being upset but being a younger sibling myself, I remember how cool my older sister's stuff was. If anyone has come up a good or at least workable solution for this problem I'd love to hear it.

Why?

It is a simple 3 letter word. It is a word that ANY parent of a 2 year old hates to hear. Why? Why? Why? Why can be a crippling word in so, so many ways, at least for me.

When our son, Samuel died prematurely almost 6 years ago-I was obsessed with the reason why? I poured through my medical records and relived that night over and over and over again through the nurse's and doctor's charting. I learned the medical reason why my son died but that didn't quench my desire to know why, to know why God let it happen. It has been almost 6 years and I still don't know why but I am at peace with it now.

I am currently crippled with the question of Why? when it relates to my adopted children. I love my children and am glad that God brought them into my family. But my days are hard, in an very hard to define, describe, explain kinda way. My life used to be much, much easier. I was a loving, kind, stay at home mom (or very part-time working mom). I had time to pour into my two sons. I could play with them, read with them, be silly with them, hug them, tease them, take them out for some one on one time.

Then...God called us to adopt. Please, hear me well...I LOVE my adopted children. I LOVE them. I do NOT wish them gone. This is just plain HARD-still in that hard to define, describe, or explain kinda way. And so I ask God...Why? Why God? Wasn't I a good mom before? Weren't we raising our kids to love and serve you? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

And, like any parent worth his salt...God doesn't really answer. In my heart, he asks me the question back. Why Kelly? Why do you think I asked you to do this?

And with tears streaming down my face...I know HE is right...and right with me, holding my hand every step of the way...I am not alone.

May God bless you today and NOT answer your question...why?

Attachment issues #879463

Guess what this post is about? Guess what my life revolves around 24-7 for the past 14 months. You guessed it....attachment.

To be fair, I'm really on the tame end of things because to HAVE attachment issues would have to feel horrible, scary, terrifying, and frustrating. But once again, because I am self-confessedly selfish, controlling, & just want things better-being on the receiving end of attachment issues ain't no picnic either!

This post is totally heart-felt. It is me being raw, honest, and broken. It is not intended to hurt anyone-it is just how I feel & how I see it. A wise person once told me that a person's perspective is their reality...even if it's wrong it is what seems true to them. Through all of this yuck I DO have Jesus in my heart. I canNOT imagine doing this without Jesus. I probably would have left 12 months ago-and that is true, honest, but true. So...with that preface, this post better be good

Attachment issues SUCK. They are horrible. The best way to describe them and why they exist is that if you don't have a person you can adequately attach to or those attachments keep being broken due to mistrust, abuse, etc. you have trouble truly "attaching" to anyone. For most of us, attachment begins in the womb with our mothers. However, if your womb environment was compromised due to drug use, alcohol use, lack of nutrition, etc-your attachment process is stunted. If not worked through as a child they can work themselves into some pretty nasty behaviors. So, this really is a serious issue.

Our adoptive kids have been through more in their short years than I can ever begin to imagine. My heart hurts to think about it but because I didn't live it I can't understand it-truly. They have been loved by a lot, hurt by a lot (particularly those who were supposed to love and protect them), and are deeply wounded. However, the wounds are so deep that only those closest to them can see them. Those who make it into the safe zone. I am blessed and cursed to be in that safe zone. People who don't really know us see us and make judgements about us based on how we look on the outside-and I'll be the first to admit...we are adorable. Especially when we tilt our head to the side, scrunch up our nose, and give an ADORABLE cheesy grin. (after I posted this I realized that this portion sits right next to the picture of Jasmine doing this exact thing-look over to your right-ha, ha, ha!!!)

Did I mention that hurt and unattached children are really, really good at faking it? They can wrap even the hardest hearted person around their little pinky-it's a challenge and it shows power and control. And guess what-you don't even know they are doing it!!! So the general public looks at us and sees adorable, well adjusted children. Then, when in public, a child does something AGAIN for the 1 millionith time or just something incredibly bizaare and I give that child a consequence I look like the meanest, most heartless person in the world. Or at least a little crazy for the disproportionate reaction-I mean, honestly, they are cute so they couldn't do anything wrong, right!?!

The most basic way to attach to someone is through physical touch, in fact, as I type this my son, Isaac is sitting on my lap (he's in that glorious cannot read yet phase). He is rubbing his cheek on my cheek-perfectly normal, acceptable behavior. It feels good to us both & it affirms us both that we love each other. Physical touch is such a tough thing with adoptive children-either they crave it too much and it gets inappropriate or they hate it and they'll do something inappropriate to get away from it.

This issue is as much my issue as it is my kids. I extend to them and they tell me they hate me. Or I extend to them and they get really inappropriate. Appropriate touch is learned-as is inappropriate touch. It still feels akward-it is still incredibly uncomfortable to hold some of my adoptive kids on my lap or give them a genuine hug. I struggle with this. Will we ever get this? Can I ever trust them? Will they ever trust me? Can any of us let our walls crumble down enough to attach to each other and love each other the way God intended? Our God is a compassionate God...he gifts us all with compassion (some more than others)-he also has created humans with the Fight or Flight reflex when we are in an intense situation. Which is right? Which do I choose?

So...this incredibly long post is to say that I need prayer. I need to be broken more and trust more. I need friends to come along side of me and my family and help us. I miss my friends. I miss that I had people who knew us before this adventure began and lived through this with us. I miss having people who can truly say-you remember 10 months ago, this is SO much better and mean it. I just miss being known. God put us here for some reason. I don't know why but I do know that he did. Where God leads, he will provide. I have to believe that. For today, I ask for your prayers and your compassion on our family.

Being a parent is...

Being a parent is the most wonderful, most exciting, most magical thing on this earth-it is also the hardest, most painful job. I love my children-all of them. Some I wake up and have to choose to love & that sucks, a lot. Can you imagine that? Doesn't that sound horrible & that I'm some sort of heartless monster. That is how it feels sometimes and sometimes I realize that it is just part of the adoption process. Life in any home in the world is not "normal" and the Freng Family is no exception. Except we get the fun, added challenge of being a "pastor's family"-yeah!!! All in all it's good but there are times (when I'm letting my sin nature overwhelm me or when I'm just being a person) when I'd prefer to not be in the fishbowl. That is a whole other blog post though. Today I want to let you in on some funny (at least to me) happenings around here & how God works in ways I can't even imagine!
First, Jasmine's teacher has two children (grown-ups now) that were adopted from the Foster Care system. Talk about God's hand in all of this. She gets it-or at least more than your average person.
Second-The Yankton School District is utilizing the Boys Town curriculum & teaching the kids basic manners and skills-awesome. Unfortunately, because I'm immature this is how these conversations play out at home-see below.

Jasmine-Hey Mom, I have something to tell you. You know what-if you are doing something & someone else asks you to please stop doing it...well, you should stop doing it.

Me-Really, wow. You mean that if for the past year when you weren't listening to me and doing things that I didn't like if I would have just asked you to stop then you would of. Wow-why didn't I think of that...I really need to tell Dad about this, this is genious, pure genious. So...when someone asks you to stop doing something, you should...

Jasmine-stop, yeah my teacher said that.

Me-Wow-I love it. Maybe we should try that here too, not just at school.

Jasmine-yeah, my teacher is really smart.

Me-Huh!

The next day we have virutally the same conversation about telling people we are sorry when we hurt them. I especially like this one because remorse is not a feeling most neglected kids feel & it's hard to learn. I did selfishly point out that I believe that Dad & I had told her these things for about the past year. But she just reminded me how smart her teacher was & that once she explained it-Jasmine really got it.

Praise God for good teachers!

Someday, maybe someday, I won't be the village idiot to my children. But for now-it's an okay place to be!

Where to begin?

We have had a few packed weeks recently. Adventure waits us at every turn. I got to attend my first ever Freng Family Reunion. Dan's grandpa was 1 of 11 -those 11 kids had multiple children...who had multiple children....who are now having multiple children. In its hay day I guess there were Frengs by the hundreds (almost literally). There were about 50 Frengs in attendance-it was a little overwhelming to say the least. Dan comes from some interesting (in a good way) Norwegian stock! Noah was pretty excited because he has finally gotten the big-extended family that he has always wanted. He made a new friend (relative) who is actually going to be a 2nd grader at the same school as Noah. Yankton is such a small, small world. I have to get used to that again.
Brian had a head trauma a week ago-long story but he fell off of a stool he was climbing on & gave himself a concussion. Luckily, he is okay. We are supposed to keep watch for any recurring symptoms. Problem is-that boy hits his head about 10 times a day. I'm NOT exaggerating. I'm contemplating a stylish new glue-on/permanent helmet! He is affectionately known in our home as Harry Head Trauma (just between Dan & I-probably mean, but the only way to keep this boy alive until 18 may be to laugh our way through it).
Dan & I are enjoying being back in our "home country". At times, it feels a little like the Twilight Zone-but all in all it's good. The kids LOVE being with family. We miss Denver more than we ever thought possible & our awesome friends & ministry partners. Change, even good change, is hard.
I got to have a heart to heart with Noah about why God called us here. The unknown is hard, even to a 7 year old. We both agreed that God did call us here & there IS a reason. The best thing we can do is be faithful to God's calling & pray, pray, pray our way through it. Isn't that awesome that my 7 year old gets it? Sometimes I think he gets it better than I do-oh, to have childlike faith.
School starts on Wednesday & we are all ready. Except on Thursday, I'll be sad about them being gone...somehow I will persevere!
Keep praying for us.

Attitude of Gratitude

An Attitude of Gratitute-that is offically the Freng Family's new motto. Okay-so it's Dan's Freng Family motto & at times when he says it I shoot him a look that could kill...but we are working on it being the Freng Family motto.

So my attitude of gratitude thought of today-The home we are living in is 3 bedrooms & probably 1/2 the size of our house in Littleton (okay this doesn't seem like the gratitude part-I'm getting there)...3 things I love about it :
1.) We can totally afford it & that helps keep me home doing what I love most-being a mom & wife.
2.) We all fit & cannot avoid family closeness-that is huge as we tended to drift apart (well, a couple of us did & I tried to drift but man they can find you anywhere. Even the bathroom-is no place sacred?). We have JUST the amount of room we need & we are finding that all of our "necessities" weren't really so.
3.) Finally, my personal favorite of today...it took me only 1.5 hours to clean the WHOLE, ENTIRE place. Say what you will about having counter space-I say, the less there is-the less I have to clean!
Praise God for leading us just to the right place-and giving us what we need & not what we THINK we need.
There are a lot more awesome features to this place-but I'll leave that for another day. You know me & my sarcastic nature-all this positive stuff is kinda freaking me out!!
Keep praying for us here-we're all doing well but a lot more changes are coming, school, preschool, etc.
An attitude of gratitude...It's a good thing. (I hope Martha didn't copyright that, oh well).

Hello, Hello... is there anybody still out there?

Wow-my last post was May 26th! It is July 27th today. What a difference a couple months make. We just moved into our rental townhome & are loving having our own "stuff" again. Readjusting to life in a "small town" is going to take longer than I expected but all in all-its going well. Keep praying for us & we will keep praying for you all. I won't post as much as I used to but it's nice to be back to high speed internet again. Ahhh...I'm more of a big town snob than I realized! I'm not used to waiting for things-big town America affords you a lot, a lot of conveniences-it's good for me to have to wait, builds character-or so it is said. Next post I will summarize our move to South Dakota-we've had an interesting few months. Until next time!

Interesting Place

I often forget that I am 31 years old. I KNOW that I have been married for 9 years-tomorrow, I KNOW that I have 5 children, I KNOW that I have an occasional gray hair-but for some reason I still think that I am in my early 20s. I'm still cool-right!?! Okay, so I never was really cool-but is anyone, really? Don't you just think you are cool? So that leads to my interesting place that I find myself.

I am the 31 year old mother of 5 children-ages 7,6, 4, 4, & 3. I am working diligently on packing up our house to move the above children and my wonderful husband to our new, exotic destination-SOUTH DAKOTA!! While packing up my 7 year old's room I was faced with an interesting problem-do I keep the plastic "fake" puke that he is so fond of? I mean, he is really, really attached to it. It has lead to a lot of great laughs. Do I take it or throw it?

WOW-is that a reality check or what? As a young college graduate who was newly married & expecting her first child-did I ever, ever imagine that I would contemplate whether or not to keep the fake puke? I can honestly say-I never thought I would have this problem. Yep folks, the glory & splendor of motherhood-it's awesome.

By the way-I DID keep the puke. It IS pretty funny & he is very attached to it. Am I cool or what?

I love it when a plan comes together.

Things are starting to move and fall into place. This is such a relief. There was a point last week where Dan & I just looked at each other and said, "what in the world are we doing?". I mean, really, we have a house we love, our grass is looking awesome (it was a disaster zone of waist high weeds just prior to our move in), our kids are in great schools getting every service they so desperately need, the list goes on & on. If we did not ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY feel that this is where God is calling us we would have said forget it.
God is amazing-he can do anything & use anyone to help bring glory to Himself. We have been blessed by so many people, already, who have done so many things to help us with our move. We feel so loved by so many. We (or at least I) had no idea that we were that loved. It's a great feeling-to leave somewhere you love to get to go somewhere you love. Most people are not so blessed. We have the countdown calendar on the wall with a little picture of a van loaded down with stuff. Each day we move the van down one number-we're down to 23 days before the big move. WOW-I'd better get crackin'. Keep us in your prayers as this remains stressful on all of us for so many, many reasons. Even good stress is still stress.

Hello, my name is Crazy.

We are MOVING!! Yay! I am so excited to be moving back "home". Dan accepted the call to be the Senior Pastor at Emmanuel Church in Yankton, South Dakota. We both grew up in the vicinity, all of our family is there, and most importantly-the church is awesome & has accepted us as we are. We are all so excited.

However, the moving part has me stressed to the max & beginning to feel A LOT crazy. Yankton is a small town (depending what standard of measurement you use-by South Dakota standards-it is a decent size town, compared to Denver-small). We are looking for rental housing but it is eluding us as of right now. We are loading up the moving truck & hitting the road on June 10th! That leaves us not much time to find a place to live.

Yes-I know God will provide. He ALWAYS, ALWAYS does. You'd think I'd learn to trust a little bit. What I need to remember & what Dan & I have reminded each other almost daily is: "God provides, he doesn't necessarily give us what we think we want/need/deserve (ie. a large, large house with a large, large yard for our ridiculously large, large family)-but what he does give us is ALWAYS better than we could have envisioned for ourselves". Now-I'm not throwing out the name it & claim it theology here-I'm just trying to remind myself that God knows ALL THINGS. It may be in my family's best interest to squeeze into a 3 bedroom apartment for 6 months-I don't know. But luckily, I don't have to. God has got it under control.

So-I may need a few gentle reminders about what I posted. Feel free to email me at kelly.freng@live.com to remind me-because I can guarantee you that I'll be stressed out & freaking out again by tonight.

Where am I?

I just realized that I haven't posted for a long, long time. Oh well...it seems my public can live without me.
Life has been crazy around here (as in most of your homes as well, I'm sure). The spring fever has blown right into summer fever & my kids are ready to be done with school. I am mostly ready for the snow to stop. Seriously-Colorado is ridiculous. 75 degrees in January & snowing in late April. I am also ready for the non-stop shuttling to stop for a few months.
Any bets as to how many days I last with NO ACTIVITIES going on? I'll say about 3 days & then I'll be ready for my kids to be doing something again. I need to just prepare myself for the bickering-it's just part of being a kid/brother/sister.
I also have realized in this time off that I do spend way too much time on the computer. So...I will not post as often as I did in the past. There is really nothing I have to say that means that much to anyone anyways.
Keep us in your prayers-we've got a lot going on & more to come!

There is always tomorrow

Today is one of those days that has been bad. We've all had them-you know, the sense of dread when you wake up and sitting at the breakfast table wishing you all could go back to bed and start over. Well...things went from bad to worse. Things I am thankful for today-my father's determination that I learn how to use tools. I was able to turn the lock around on my son's door all by myself. Sad that I am excited about this but-yep I am. My mother for passing around her stubbornness. If any of these kids think they can out-stubborn me, they have not spent much time with my mother. She passed on the stubbornness of an ox (I mean that in the most sweet way possible mom!). My husband-that he can come home & see the house destroyed from an afternoon of 4 year old outrage & just give me a hug. I am thankful that I got a good workout-restraining a very angry child is a full body workout. I won't need to do any cardio for awhile (oh, who am I kidding, I can't even remember the last cardio workout I've done!). Most of all-I am thankful for all of you who read this blog & pray for our whole family.

This is hard-harder than I ever thought possible. The most frustrating part is yet to come-when the child that screamed at the top of his lungs that he hated me and wanted to run away, tried to bite me, head butt me, kick me, scratch me, cuss me out, etc. will then in a very dysfunctional way "need me". Gotta love this process. I should be getting used to it already. As little Orphan Annie says "the sun will come out tomorrow"!

We survived.

Yep-we survived Easter. We now have officially "survived" the two biggest Christian holidays as a large family & as a ministry family. Holy Week is CRAZY for a pastor! Dan is an awesome husband, father, and pastor. I am so proud of all of his hard work in all of those areas. He has tremendous responsibility in EVERY SINGLE aspect of his life. Poor guy-I'm amazed that he doesn't have a nervous breakdown! Do you know what he does on his day off? Does he go have a little "alone" time? Does he sleep in? Nope-he gets up, often cooks an amazing breakfast for all of us, sometimes lets me sleep in, and works tediously at his honey-do list. Yesterday, he spent about 4 hours putting a new storm door on the front door for us. I tell you-that man is AMAZING. I thank God for him each & every day.

For those of you who don't live with a pastor-don't forget that they are people too. They didn't just miraculously fall out of the sky glowing and ready for that huge pedestal they are too often placed on. Tell your pastor "thanks" and that you appreciate them.

Hey DAN-I love you! I am proud of you. Thank you for always being my shepherd & for the hard work you do for your family, your church, and your community. You are awesome.

My So-Called Life

Does anyone remember watching that show? I know it totally dates me but it was a favorite of mine back in the days of my extreme teen angst. Jared Leto and Claire Danes (I think that was who was in it). Loved that show-loved it! I wanted Claire Danes hair so badly. I'm such a nerd-but at least I embrace it.

Well...I don't really remember a lot about the show or why it had that title. However, I feel like that title relates to my life now. I'm living my life & the days are flying by. I don't feel like I have a life. Tomorrow is Friday already AGAIN! How did that happen? Sometimes weekends around here are not so great-school, more often than not, is a reprieve for everyone. I'm hopeful for a good weekend.

It's EASTER! Unfortunately, I suspect, like most American children instead of being excited about the NEW HOPE given to us by our Lord & Savior-JESUS dying for OUR SINS & raising to new LIFE-we'll be disgruntled about what we did or did not get in our Easter basket. I'm way too hard on my kids. I know it-I feel it even now as I type this. 3 of our 5 children have just recently heard the name JESUS. I cannot expect them to understand the huge significance of this week. Do I understand it? Truly? Yeah-I could spout off 3 significant things that Jesus did for me but do I GET IT? Do I truly get it? I mean, look at my life, do I glow from all my encounters with God? Of course not, I'm too busy being distracted by everything that everyone else is doing wrong. The plank in my eye is so big-yet it doesn't even hurt. So crazy.

Tonight, once Dan gets home from the church service we're going to re watch the Passion of the Christ. I'm so terrified of that movie-we watched in the theater when it came out & I cannot stomach it again. But I need to. I need to get out of my glamorized, Americanized, self-righteous, PROUD, PROUD, PROUD view of Christianity & get my sights set back on JESUS!!!

Sorry-this post is kinda preachy. Not my intention-but I need JESUS big time. I have been unable to get my life together since getting back from Spring Break. And the culprit of my troubles is myself-my selfish, arrogant self.

On a lighter note-we officially, finalized our adoption of our beautiful Shamie May. We are now the Freng Family of 7. Wow-that is so crazy!

Have a great Easter & remember what it means-I'll try to do the same.

He Has My Back.

Just in case anyone feels like messing with me I wanted to post a picture of the newest member of my arsenal. This is my stealth ninja-he is displaying his wide array of weaponry. He is lightning quick & he can disarm even the most hardened criminal with his smile. Yep-keep that in mind the next time you think about taking me on...This boy has got my back!

We're Baaackkkk......

Hey all! We have returned from our South Dakota trip & remarkably all in one piece! The adoption went well the Friday before we left so we now have 6 official Freng Family members. Shamie's adoption is next Monday. So excited for everyone to be Frengs. The week in South Dakota will make for a lot of fun blog content. But, for now, just wanted to touch base to let you know we are back & had a good time. Horses, 4-wheelers, tractors, swimming pools, buffets (did I ever mention how much Midwesterners love a good buffet?), buffets, buffets, candy, grandparents, cousins, FUN!! For now-please keep us in your prayers. We have a lot going on & as I've mentioned before re-entry is always difficult. Pray for good decision making, patience, patience, patience & GRACE (towards our children & for ourselves). Glad to be home.

For the record...

I want all of my blog readers to know that I LOVE the adoption process. While frustrating, irritating, & character-building, it has been an amazing process. We got to add 3 awesome people to our family-in 8 short months. I know that my blog posts often focus on how "horrible" the process is.

Yes-the process, in & of itself, is horrible. I will admit that. The system is terribly, sickeningly flawed-from every angle. But-we are dealing with human lives & that is never, ever easy or simple. It can't just be a cut & dried process.

What I want you all to know is that it is the PROCESS that I abhor. We have been blessed by wonderful, compassionate, & helpful caseworkers who love our children. Yes, sometimes they don't respond as quickly as I would like, sometimes they don't know the answer to my questions, sometimes they mess up paperwork, sometimes it seems like they don't understand the process either. However, we are not living in a vacuum. My children are not the only kids on their caseload. The caseworkers are over-worked, grossly underpaid, & doing the best they can within a system that is set up for burn-out, manipulation, and failure.

When I mention the word, "caseworker" what comes to mind? My mind instantly goes to the "Hollywood" version of a old battle ax hag who doesn't give a lick about kids, safety, or their bio parents who are so, so lost in this world. In all of the people we've met within the 2 counties we are working with I can tell you that I have not met one person who has not been helpful (in some way), well-meaning, & doing the best they can. Please, please pray for all of those caseworkers out there around the world who are working in bad situations trying to make those situations just a little bit brighter. Pray also as things will probably continue to get worse for county workers. Abuse & Neglect are closely tied to poverty. With the economy as it is-an influx is coming.

So-to close...yes, the system is bad. It's a roller coaster, for sure. But you know what? I love roller coasters! Let us get our bearings & then look for us to be hopping back on again. Wanna join us?

Fun & Funny

Just received an email telling me that if we could get all the paperwork necessary together in time we could in fact finalize the adoptions of all 3 kiddos on Friday.

What the? Seriously!?!

Why in the world did no ONE-not ONE person tell us this was even a remote possibility. It's not as if we haven't been working to this end for the PAST EIGHT MONTHS!! Let's try to slam together tons of work, paperwork, and extreme frustration into 2 days-sounds like a GREAT plan.

Yep-that is YOUR hard-earned taxpayer dollars at work my friend.

Praise God this is almost over.

The end is in sight

On Monday we received word that we would be finalizing our adoptions of Jasmine & Brian this Friday. We are super excited. We then leave for Spring Break in the new vacation HOT SPOT-South Dakota. When we get back we will finalize our adoption of Shamie.

It is very confusing process-the easy way to "get it" is that the kids are followed by two different counties based on where their parents were living when the kids were originally removed. Make sense!?! No, not to us either. It's a crazy process that we are glad to be bringing to a close. The real work will begin when the adoptions are finalized. We won't have caseworkers, guardian ad litem's (GAL's), and every other person on the planet coming to our house every month. At the same time, we won't have as many people to call if we are having "problems". Our support staff will reduce drastically. It will all be worth it though.

Keep us in your prayers for this huge event in our lives, our travel with 5 little beings (praise God we are NOT bringing the dog this time), and for our general well being. History has shown us that transitions, changes, and "big" events tend to trigger some behaviors & frustrations. I have to remember that while this is awesome and amazingly exciting (for us), it is the final slamming shut of that small window of possibility that the kids will be reunited with their birth parents. For us, this is obviously a blessing. For the kids-or at least Jasmine-this could be tumultous. When you are a kid-your parents are your parents. Even if they do NOTHING right-they are still your parents & you love them. You don't know better & you don't know it any other way. Please pray specifically for Jasmine that she would be comforted during this confusing time in her life.

Thanks for loving us.

Arghh.......

Today is NOT a good day. Please be prepared for the following post to be frustrated, angry, and probably rude. I probably should decompress before typing but in some sad, sick way I can look back at this later & realize that it really isn't that big of deal. Today, it feels like a big deal. As I type this, both Jasmine & Brian are sitting in time out AGAIN!! Brian reverted back to his old-school 45 minute tantrum . In the middle of it we had to go get Jasmine from school so we had a lot of yelling in the van. I always feel bad for the other kids in the car. Isaac & Shamie were screaming because Brian was yelling so loud & at such an intense pitch (he seriously screams like a girl). So much so, that I pulled the van over-put Brian outside on the sidewalk. Told him that he could not get back into the van until he was finished screaming & got back in the van-closed & locked all of the doors. I gave the mailman & a passerby quite a show. Truthfully, I don't think they knew what to do with it. I just waved as they passed by gawking. If they would have asked, I would have told them the whole story-but they didn't. I'm sure it gave them a good story to tell people later about the crazy woman in the Honda Odyssey.

I want to start by saying that my kids, all 5 of them, are amazing. They are blessings from God & I am so thankful that they are in my life. That being said-even the biggest blessing can be FRUSTRATING!

I need to explain a little bit about my adopted kids. Chronologically they are 6, 4, and 3. However, emotionally, developmentally, and cognitively they are not even close to their age(s). Prior to our home, they were not properly cared for or loved. They don't trust anyone because they have never had anyone in their life that hasn't hurt them or left them. That SUCKS. It absolutely, positively sucks. My heart hurts for them. I will never know the pain that they endured or that they currently endure. It makes me sad to think about.

Yesterday, my post had a link to a video on true compassion. Today, in writing this post, I feel like the world's most non-compassionate person. I know all of the above to be true. We got the story before the kids moved in. We were prepared for all the hurt, all the yuck, all the junk, all the baggage. Seriously, what in bleep were we thinking? How is anyone prepared for all that yack?

We are SO grossly under equipped. We have taken a couple classes in which they pointed out that just loving people hard is not enough. At the time you think, "well, yeah, obviously". Later, in the heat of it, you realize that you can't convince people who have never known love that you "love" them. And as sick as it is, sometimes you can't convince yourself that you love them either.

I am SO tired of arguing & fighting. I am not afraid to call crap "crap". We are dealing with a lot, a lot of crap. Dan & I are officially the stupidest people on the planet according to at least 2 of our children-and they are not even teenagers!! I am re-implementing the zero-tolerance policy. You get one chance to do what we ask & if not-time out. The kids will all tell us they "don't want to". To which I reply, "I didn't ask if you wanted to-I told you to do it." That may seem harsh-but keep in mind-the things we are typically asking them to do are-put on shoes to go outside when it just snowed, use the potty before bedtime, wash your hands after playing outside and petting the dog. We aren't asking them to scrub the floor with a toothbrush or pick up Thelma's poop. Maybe we should start asking-then at least we'd get some chores done around here.

I guess the point of this long rant is to pose the question-is it compassionate to let your kids settle for playing in the muck? There is some quote about helping people to picture a day at the beach (a real beach not the nasty beaches we have here or in the midwest) when all they know and are perfectly content to do is play in the muck. That is totally paraphrased & probably out of context-but it feels like what we are dealing with. I know that my kids have suffered injustices that I will never know or understand and that their behavior is a result of all of that. But-I can't buy into the notion that it is okay to just let them continue to do it.

Well-I'd better close. Brian is playing with our giant golf club set & Jasmine is playing with our soft baseball set-about 2 feet apart. But since I am really, really dumb my suggestion that they move apart is being ignored. I'm about to enjoy a really good show. Will fill you in on any need for stitches.

Good Mental Images for Today

Today is my "re-entry" into parenting after basically 2 days off. Re-entry is never, ever fun. The kids are having a tough day, to put it pleasantly. Instead of rambling on & on about all the goofy things that have happened today I'll just put a mental picture in your head. I had to pick up our family pictures from the photographer. I was really excited to go & get them so we can get them up on the wall. Well...my 3 youngest did NOT share my enthusiasm for leaving the house.

After much coaxing, this is how we looked when we left the house. Brian had on yellow rainboots, a winter coat, stocking cap, & gloves. Shamie refused to put on either her coat or her shoes (I've learned quickly that if I forcefully put them on-they get taken right back off, then it becomes a battle of wills or potentially an abusive situation as I man-handle her)-so, Shamie was wearing her clothes and her socks but no coat or shoes. Isaac, oh my sweet, precious, strong-willed Isaac. He was very, very mad that we could not take the "little car" & he was locking down on leaving the house. So-after a lot of discussion, Isaac left the house wearing pajama shorts, a Hawaiian shirt & nothing else. Can you even imagine what the lady at the picture place thought? Oh well.

As I was preparing to write this blog I checked out another blog that I frequent from a missionary couple in Haiti. Her post today was awesome & much needed to get me out of my hum-drum, feel sorry for myself mood. I put the link in-it will give you a much better mental image of what we, as followers of Jesus, should be doing.
Enjoy!

http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/2009/03/hivaids.html

Certifications...

I am officially certified as a ENA ENPC Provider. I had to take this class at Children's for work. It means that I can hopefully save your child if he lands himself in a traumatic situation. In theory... But, I did chest compressions & bag mask ventilation beautifully on the dummy. The thing I always learn from these classes is that I need to walk my kids everywhere & wrap them in bubble wrap before we go. Seeing picture after picture after picture of kids in traumatic events makes even the most stoic person woozy.

The class entailed 2 full days (8a-5p) of classroom time. I typically work nights (7p-7a) so that childcare isn't an issue. This week Dan was an amazing trooper-as he always is, but extra so this week. He took care of 5 kids, shuttled them to & fro to school, preschool, got home in time for speech therapy(ies)-while he was doing all of this he was also attending staff meetings, work meetings, a board meeting, premarital counseling, volunteering at North Littleton Promise, leading his Denver Seminary spiritual formation group, & the list goes on.

The thing that makes Dan get an extra gold star today is that he got 5 kids up, dressed, fed, & to school plus cleaned up more dog poo than is physically possible for one basset hound to produce all before 8:30 am! He had to give old Thelma a bath after he dropped the kids off.

Anyone want a basset hound?

5th Year Anniversary

Today is the 5 year anniversary of our son Samuel's birth/death. It is still hard-not as hard as it was 5 years ago, but hard nonetheless. Today is always a very lonely day for me. Losing a child is always hard whether it is at 5 weeks gestation or 50 years old (I would imagine). No parent should ever, ever have to bury their child. But unfortunately, that is what we did. The hard part for me is that many, many people don't consider losses of fetuses or premature infants loss. Isn't that sick? It makes me so mad. True-I only knew my Samuel in my womb. But boy did I know him. I know that he kicked harder than any of my other children. I know that he did not like ANY food that I put into my system except for soup. So...thanks to Samuel I am now a soup lover. I know that he was beautiful & had chubby cheeks. How can you have chubby cheeks when you weigh 1 lb 9 oz? He got my chubby cheeks. I know that I miss him & I feel so robbed that I didn't get to know him more. Someday, I will get to hold him & love him. I cannot wait for him to greet me in heaven. He is the lucky one-to be with Jesus. Someday, Someday...

Blog Wars

Hey to all of my readers-Dan just started his own blog too. You can find it at http://freshbreadconspiracy.blogspot.com. I'm going to try to figure out how to add the "blogs I read" tab to my blog so there is easy access for all those blogs I frequent. Dan is an amazing writer and his blog is much, much more redemptive than mine. I suggest you read it.

Glow Sticks=Evil

I am absolutely convinced that glow sticks were created by some mad scientist who had it out for parents. Yes-glow sticks. You know the lovely creation that is a plastic tube filled with goo/fluid that you break & voila-it GLOWS. Yep-some guy is sitting in his laboratory roaring with maniacal (spelling-if spelled wrong, insert crazy) laughter about how stupid parents are for letting their kids be sucked into these glowing tubes of evil!

We have a long, long history with glow sticks. Noah had an awesome set of surrogate grandparents in Idaho who played hide & seek with glow sticks & Noah all of the time. Fun-until Noah decided to take a big bite out of one. We walk in to see our son's mouth glowing. Now,as you can imagine, being first time parents with Noah, we did NOT overreact-at all. We just calmly called poison control, the fire brigade, the police, and anyone else in the tri-state area that would listen to our tale of woe (I need help with spelling today please-I'm working on about 3.5 hours sleep!). Well-somehow, against all odds, Noah made it through the tumultuous ordeal. He now shares his story in elementary schools & we are working on the book deal & whirlwind bus tour!

SO...after a short hiatus from glow sticks, we reluctantly reconnected our children with glow sticks. We say a short prayer as we hand them over to our kids. Sorry-this post really is going somewhere-other than just being ridiculous. (But I am, in my sleep-deprived state, cracking myself up-and at least that is something!).

Now on to our latest glow stick horror. I'll try to get Dan to post a comment about this because the story you are about to hear is true & happened to him. Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved (you know-like when you watch a made for tv movie or something-stick with me, sleep deprived remember!). We enjoyed a leisurely, laid back, wonderful Sunday (see previous post & catch the sarcasm). I headed off to my job as a nurse. At about 7:20 mountain time, I receive a call at work saying that yes-the glow stick conspiracy is true and that they are, in fact, evil.

Somehow-when Brian (oops, I mean Byron-name change) was playing with his glow stick he broke it & it ALL sprayed directly into his eye. How does that happen, you may ask? Well-since most of you don't know Byron very well, yet-the real question is how could it NOT happen!?! I get Dan hooked up with the Littleton Hospital ER who connects him to Poison Control.

Luckily-Dan is quick on his feet and had already flushed the poor little guy's eyeball out to the point of drowning. Because Bryon is okay this is where I allow myself to crack up (I'm an inappropriate laugher-always have been, always will be. It's a huge, huge character flaw). Dan is telling me about how he is first trying to flick water into Bryon's eye with two fingers, then moves to flusing it with contact solution (oww...), and then resorts to laying Bryon on the counter and flushing out his eye with the kitchen sink sprayer. Good mental image.

Poison control was super helpful & praise God everyone is okay. I really, really need to have Dan post because, as you can imagine, with 5 children-there was mass chaos going on around the haz-mat site. Dan explained it as there were gawkers, there were people jumping on the couch, there were yellers, and there was one, ingenious flasher-yeah, a flasher. Oh, what would our life be without our children??? Boring, uneventful, & quiet. Who wants that, really?

So-be on the lookout for my one-woman crusade to rid the world of Glow Sticks. They are now offically a banned subtance in my house!

Sunday Chaos

So-as horrible a person this will make me-I disdain Sundays!! I don't know what it is about Sundays but seriously-the kids turn into gremlins after a snack in the dark. Ugh! It gives most of our parishioners comic relief for the week watching me try to herd my little cats around the church.

The obvious problem is that during the week my children totally run the joint. They know the nooks and crannies. They know where the ancient elevator that fits one person is (well-Noah & Isaac do). Please pray that Brian, Jasmine, & Shamie NEVER, EVER find it! If they do-keep an eye out in the paper for a tragic elevator accident-not even kidding.

So when there are other people in the church & we ask our kids to "follow the rules", chaos ensues. I honestly don't care what other people think-it just irks my control meter to have to ask my kids to do something more than once. Did I mention I have control issues? Wouldn't you think being a parent would help with those? Sad reality is that I think they are better. Oh my goodness, what on earth was Dan thinking when we chose me!

Shamie had her 3rd birthday on Friday. It was a fun day. She is into making that little gasp noise when she sees something exciting to her. I was pretty sure that she was going to pass out from lack of oxygen Friday morning. She gasped about 300 times over her cake with pink frosting, and her Dora candle, and her toy camera! It was super cute. Honestly, I don't know if she really has ever had a true birthday party for her. I really doubt it.

Unfortunately, with every step we make forward & developmental hurdle we cross, kids with control issues really, really freak out. So-we are re-dealing with some of the big 2 control issues. Remember-the only 2 things kids really have control over is if/when/what goes into the body & if/when/what comes back out.

So fun!

Put a Fork in Me, I'm DONE!

Oh my goodness! Please, Please, Please pray for me right NOW! Today I am struggling. It is absolutely, positively ridiculous that I had such a frustrating day. I was with my children probably a total of 5 hours today (compared to the usual ALL day thing) & it was a no good, very bad, terrible, rotten day.

For every minute of that 5 hours someone was crying, whining, or yelling. I have no clue why but I have no patience. As I type this I can hear Isaac on the monitor yelling at the top of his lungs. Why, you ask? Well...at bedtime we said prayers & I kissed him on the nose (which is what I usually do). He laughed at the time. Then, when I bent down to pray with Brian all heck broke loose. Isaac decided that he was torked off that I kissed him & has now been crying for 20 minutes about it. I even (in a moment of desperation) asked him what exactly crying about being kissed was going to do. Was it going to negate the kiss? He agreed, through sobs, that it would not take away the kiss but,doggone it, we Frengs do everything we can to the best of our ability. 110%, every time. Some call us overachievers, Some call us passionate, Right now it feels a lot crazy and a lot zealous!

I lost it with Brian earlier tonight & behaved in a manner not very fitting of any mother but defintely not a foster mother. I asked him to forgive me for my impatience but the damage has been done. He has seen too much in his past to let this one slide. Ugh....this is hard.

Please pray for us. We signed all the papers to file the petition to adopt Brian & Jasmine. Paperwork, paperwork, glorious paperwork. It feels like buying a car or a house, or something. Whenever I feel depressed about my life-I just have to be thankful that I am not a county worker. Ugh-could you imagine getting up everyday to be grumpy and rude to people? Oh wait-I do that. Amazingly-they didn't ask us if we wanted an extended warranty plan or GAP coverage. Our court date for Shamie is April 6th. The end is in sight! I will miss my conversations with county workers. I'm always able to slip in some good sarcasm and they don't even notice it.

Will keep you all posted on the adoption process. So close-yet so far away!

Me NOT Tired

Anyone hear those words lately? Me NOT tired? I hear them 8000 times a day. Usually there is a yawn in the middle so it sounds more like Me (YAWNNNNNNN) NOT tired. Why is it that all kids refuse to be tired? And refuse to sleep in? I know plenty of adults who would absolutely love it if someone came and forced them to take a nap! Me NOT tired-it is even better when you stomp your foot afterward for emphasis. I need to remember these words in a few years when I'm dragging them out of bed. Right now-Me VERY tired.

Hallelujah!

I have a few aquaintances that have recently adopted children from Haiti & also from the foster care system. I decided to look up their blogs and "catch up" on their lives a little bit. Reading their blogs was manna from heaven for my heart and soul. I finally felt like I wasn't alone and that I wasn't imagining all of this stuff. You see, adopting, while very exciting, is STRESSFUL!!! No one can argue with that. However, once you get into the details of adding new members to your family (and you to their family)-it gets a little bit sticky. People don't really want to know the details-they just expect you to be perfect and do it. Others paint us as saints. Most try to compare it to their parenting process of their own biological kids. Pretty much everyone who reads this blog has not adopted-so bear with me (this is absolutely not a post to put you down or make you feel bad-remember that!). As "prospective adoptive parents", you start to feel a little bit (actually, A LOT) crazy. You spend months and months learning to love children who didn't come from your womb-kids who don't want you to love them and don't want to love you. Eventually, yes, they will want us to love them & will want to love us but that comes later, much, much later. The crazy feeling comes due to the attachment issues. Most children have a wonderful attachment experience starting in the womb-they are cared for, fed, kept safe, etc. Obviously, children in the foster care system did not have that wonderful start. Kids are brilliant and they learn quickly what they need to do to "survive". Control issues become center stage-if you can control your environment then you can pretty much guarantee your survival. Unfortunately, those control issues don't just go away when placed in (what we believe is) a safe, loving home. I feel crazy because I have to "fight" with my kids to use the bathroom, put on shoes, sweatshirts, what plate we are going to use, etc. Now I know a lot of you are saying, "well-my kids do that, kids do that". Yeah-kids do that-Noah & Isaac do that. But....average, stable kids know when to say when. If it is a choice between having the exact plate they want & not eating the meal-they are able to rationalize out that the plate doesn't really matter. Isaac is the definition of strong willed, so I know strong willed. Hear me well-I don't want robots, I don't want stepford children. I just am tired of fighting over things that don't matter. But I have to fight-because if I don't the kids will never need me, they will never begin to trust me, they will never attach to me. I have to help them learn to trust adults-learn to trust us. However, as I said above-kids are the masters of doing what they need to do to survive. So-this is where the really crazy feelings start-they are perfect ANGELS when anyone else is around. We have all watched those sitcoms where the family is yelling and screaming at each other & then the doorbell rings. When the person enters the house they don't find chaos, they find a perfect-looking family sitting together having a love fest. Yeah-I feel like that is my life when anyone comes over. I don't necessarily try to hide what is going on-it just all seems to vanish before my eyes. Then when the company leaves-the chaos restarts! The behavior change is so radical-so much so that friends, teachers, church-goers, etc tell us over and over how WONDERFUL they are & how LUCKY we are to have them in our lives. We had one person tell us that Brian was perfect & could we believe how lucky we were and if we weren't going to pursue adoption to let her know because she would love the chance to raise him. ARGHHH....what do you say to that??? Well, actually what I said was no child is perfect, yes we are lucky, blessed actually, and that we were in fact, adopting Brian but on those days that he wasn't behaving "perfectly" that I would be glad to let her babysit. Oh the look on her face was priceless! We are so blessed to have Brian, Jasmine, and Shamie-and we love them (control issues and all). I feel like I spend half my time explaining that the kids are not perfect and the other half advocating for their needs. Reading those blogs just further helps me understand that I need other people. I am not crazy-what we are going through is real. I choices we make are based on the fact that we know these kids better than anyone else in the whole world. We are not mean, controlling parents. Ahh....it feels good to be normal again. But I now realize more than ever that I need a break, I need to be around others going through this, I need to keep perspective, I need to keep my eyes, heart, and mind focused on Jesus.

Crazy Day

Today I spent a few hours in the ER with our youngest due to respiratory issues. The reality is that I spent time in the ER because the world lacks good providers for people with medicaid (all foster kids have medicaid until they are 18-adopted or not-one of the "perks" of adopting!!). We saw a provider on Wednesday who looked at her & said she was "fine" & when I asked for some cough medicine with codeine so she could sleep got a 12 point presentation on the abuse of narcotics and drug seeking. Of course, I did look a little strung out after a few nights of no sleep with a couple of sick kids. So-Shamie has been getting worse (higher fever, more coughing to the point of throwing up, etc.). I spoke with the clinic here in Littleton that accepts medicaid (yes-pretty much there is 1 clinic here that takes medicaid). I told them her symptoms & my concerns & they told me that their next available appointment was NEXT TUESDAY!! Are you kidding me? The nurse in me knew that she wasn't bad enough to go to the ER but I also knew it was the only place that she was going to get an adequate workup and a nonjudgemental staff. We spent a couple hours there & she got a complete workup. We got sent home with an albuterol inhaler and some "good" instructions rather than "she's fine". Then tonight-I dropped of Jasmine at dance camp and we're going to go watch her perform at halftime of the basketball game tonight. Never, ever in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to be excited about watching my little girl dance. A few months ago the idea of pom squad, cheerleading, dance team, etc would have made me nauseated (not cause there is anything wrong with it, just because it has never been my thing). I am hopeful to get some video that I can post soon. It is so much fun to watch Jasi have so much fun. What a blessing both of my girls are! Please keep Shamie in your prayers for her complete healing & some restful sleep for us all.

Question for the group

Okay-so this question assumes that people are actually reading my blog. I don't know if any one is or not-this post will probably prove that no one is. I have a question. How do you keep yourself and your family organized? Right now I have a wipe off calendar, pocket calendar, work schedule, etc-I try to keep writing everything on the wipe off calendar but there isn't enough room & it doesn't have Dan's stuff and I forget to write things like pack Noah a lunch for the field trip to the zoo. Arghh.....any ideas? I do realize that this is actually the easiest time in my kid's life (planning wise) because they don't get to go anywhere or be involved in anything without my knowing it. IF ONLY I could convince Dan that he needs my blessing before he does anything. Hmmm...does anyone note the control issues!?! Oh yeah-they are there baby, they are there! But they are so subtle-it's hard to miss. Ha, Ha-I crack myself up.

The blahs...

Today I'm tired. Yes, I know. Wah, Wah-we're all tired. I'm feeling especially overwhelmed & frustrated today. Not really even sure why. Probably because almost everything I know to be true about people-ends up not being true. That is exactly why you don't ever, ever place your faith in people. JESUS is the only thing we should really ever place our faith in. Why is it that I forget that so easily? I'm also realizing my shortcomings more & more. That is actually a good thing because once you can recognize them you can start the process of working on them. However, today is a day that I really just want to be oblivious. I would prefer (for today) to live in that Pollyanna world I love to live in & tell myself that it is everybody else & I'm just fine. Ha! In my feel sorry for myself mood, I've decided to look back (quickly) at the past 6 months and point out some progresses that I have seen. It is super important to do because when you are in the thick of it you don't see those everyday progresses & you can tend to get very disenchanted. So-here is a short list. I know that there are probably 100 more but these are what I can think of on the limited amount of brain I want to use right now. They are in no particular order either-just as I thought of them.
1. ALL of our children are potty trained-completely. No pullups at night-just the potty all of the time (when they hit it-otherwise it is the floor!!). This has been a very big feat as 4 of the 5 kids were not completely potty trained 6 months ago. I'm writing a book on potty training called-"When they want to do it-They will do it". Unfortunately, it would be more like a pamphlet so my profits would be pretty little. Oh well...
2. Time outs & tantrums last on average about 3 minutes these days. 6 months ago they would AVERAGE about 45 minutes-not exaggerating or kidding. My ears are still ringing from a few of the tantrums.
3. All 5 kids call me Mom. Brian will occasionally call me Kelly when he is trying to get under my skin but other than that-I'm MOM. It's cool. We are working on the kids calling Dan "dad" for some reason that is coming slower.
4.All of the kids use a napkin & with gentle reminders eat with their mouth closed. I have a very sensitive gag reflex and 6 months ago I often almost "lost my lunch" when all the kids were eating. Won't elaborate any more. I can feel the gag coming just thinking about it.
5. All of the kids pray to Jesus every single night. Obviously, their faith is our faith at this point but they all have an understanding of who Jesus is & why He is so important to us. I love to hear Shamie pray at night-she says the same prayer every night but it is well thought out & very cute. I should videotape it sometime-I'm sure that when she is 30 years old I would love to look back at it.
Well-that's a short list. I have so much to be thankful for. I need to remember that this process is not so much about "behavior modification" but more about helping people who need to be helped & loving others like Jesus loves me. Please keep us in your prayers. Hopefully I wake up in a better mood tomorrow.
Thanks for reading.

Family Pictures

So-here is one of the family pictures we just had taken. Obviously, the quality of the finished product will be better. This is the "fun" one we got a copy of. The pictures all turned out awesome. It is so great to have nice pictures of the whole family. It really means a lot of all of us to walk in the door and see that we "belong" somewhere to someone. Can't wait for them all to be done!!

Clarification

I want to write a little bit to clarify my blog, the purpose, and just me in general. I am in LOVE with my kids. Absolutely adore each & every one of them & could not imagine life without them. However, I am a human being that has been thrust, or more acurately, jumped into a completely different life 6 months ago. Life as we knew it blew up in so many ways. We multiplied 1.75 times! I went from being basically a stay at home mom who was involved in everything my kids were doing to working 2 nights a week. In my former life, I ALWAYS (and I mean always) knew where things were. The difference between us and many other large families is that we didn't have the opportunity to shape our children from the womb on. The best way to describe our life as adoptive parents is that someone dropped off a 1000 piece puzzle without a box, a picture to go by, or any guidance. We are working to put together the pieces but once you get into the puzzle you realize that it actually a bunch of puzzles thrown together, and some of the pieces (the really important ones) are missing, and others are bent and broken. Is this puzzle any less beautiful? Absolutely not. Yes, I know, that is being a parent. We signed up for this. Blah, blah, blah. The way I deal with things is to just talk about them in real life terms-when things stink, I say so. Not everyone who reads my blog is going to appreciate my sarcasm or my candor. I am who I am. A sinner saved by Grace who is working towards being more like Jesus but failing miserably. Please, please read my blog with an ounce of grace. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love my family. I am just honest. Too honest most times. Oh, Did I mention I'm sarcastic?

My Amazing Husband

Today is Dan's 31st birthday. I honestly cannot believe we are 31 already. Where on earth did the time go? We met when Dan was 12-almost 6 foot tall & weighed probably about 130 lbs wet! Talk about sexy!! Of course, in all honesty, I had a bowl cut haircut, looked like a boy, & was ridiculously moody (some things never change!!). Just proves that we love each other for what is inside. So...I thought I would take this opportunity to write a little about my amazing husband. We have known each other so long & Dan still amazes me, surprises me, and challenges me. I do not know what I would do with out him-next to Jesus, Dan is my everything. I have told him more than once that under no circumstance can he even think about dying first (sick, I know). What do I love so much about him? Everything-even the things he does that are so annoying are lovable. I know it is cliche that everyone says they have the best husband in the world. But I honestly think I do. Dan is patient with me (which HAS to be hard) and the children. He is an amazing father that takes that job so seriously & makes it his first priority. Dan is funny, charming, & witty. He can make me laugh even when I don't want to. He laughs at me & I'm not all that funny. He treats me with respect & honors me in all that he says & does. Dan is the only person in the whole entire world that can calm me & can tell me honestly when I'm being an idiot. I love that about him that he shoots it straight & tells me that I'm being selfish. Dan is SO giving. He will leave the last of something for me & doesn't get mad if I forget to share. Most importantly, Dan's love for Jesus is huge, amazing, & contagious. He is the coolest person on the planet & I'm proud to say he is my husband. Happy Birthday Sweetie! I love you more than I can ever begin to tell you & I know I don't tell you enough. You are & will always be my hero!

The smell of Urine in the morning...

We are having guests come over on Saturday night. I work tonight (so I'll sleep tomorrow) & it is Dan's birthday on Friday. So...today I started cleaning up the bathrooms & the house. I am totally aware of the fact that I will have to completely "reclean" all over again by Saturday. I guess it makes me feel productive or something. The bathrooms never, ever cease to amaze me by their grossness. It's not as if I don't clean them regularly-I do. Ask Dan. I try to clean the bathrooms thoroughly at least once a week. It always seems a little moot though as one of my boys goes in right after I clean & completely undoes everything I just did! I'm thinking that maybe I'll have Dan install a trough-like they have in those seedy bars. That way as long as we point in the general vicinity we'll get it in. Of course-someone would try to go #2 in there & then, well-you know what would happen. They do get to be better aimers-right!?! By the time they can aim we'll have different issues to deal with. Things are the same with the adoption process. We have an appointment to go get fingerprinted (again!!! That is a whole other post though) on Friday. Hopefully we hear something soon from Denver County about our next meeting. One more meeting with both Denver County & Jefferson County & then we'll get our court dates. We are so hopeful that we can do late February or March. Wishful thinking-I'm sure. Nothing else has gone fast-why would this. Oh well...it is really just a piece of paper anyways. Please pray for us as I'm having a very tough time with patience this week.

The Kids

I thought that I would take this post to talk a little bit about each child and what makes each child unique.
Noah-Noah is an amazing kid. He is an awesome mix of passion & compassion. He is always thinking of others-the other day he got his hair cut & when it was his chance to pick out a sucker he picked a sour apple one & gave it to me. He told me that he knew it was my favorite-that's the kind of kid he is. He is also very strong-willed, stubborn, and a leader (bossy, actually-but Dan & I prefer to say that he has a budding leadership gift!). Noah has a great sense of humor & can easily make Dan & I laugh with his wit. He is an all-around great kid!
Jasmine-Ahhhh.....Jasmine.....Jasmine is a sweet, pretty, helpful girl. Dan & I are not used to girls (obviously) so we are getting a trial by fire. Jasmine's favorite character is Princess Jasmine & that fits her personality perfectly. She is definitely a budding princess-sometimes (most times) more like the princess in the story of the Princess and the Pea. Jasmine is cuddly, a hardworker, and has a great smile. She is a blessing to our family!
Brian-Brian keeps me on my toes at all times. I'm learning quickly that reverse psychology will be my friend when dealing with Brian. He will spend 20 hours on one little thing just to prove me wrong. It is that kind of determination & perserverance that will serve him well later in life. Right now, it is just annoying (if I'm honest & I usually am). Brian has a sweet, sweet, sensitive heart. He is the best sharer of the whole entire bunch & thinks of others a lot. He loves to be cuddled & is just happy being able to sit by Dan or I. Brian is also very stubborn & strong-willed but as long as we channel that into good uses it's not too bad! He's a good kid that is going to surprise us with what he accomplishes!
Isaac-Isaac will always, always be my baby. I have told him that & it drives him crazy. No 3-almost 4 year old wants to be a baby. Isaac is the most requested playmate in our house. That is because he is typically laid back & a lot of fun. He loves to laugh & is the funniest kid in the house. He can make us all laugh easily & the dinner table continues to be his stand-up comedy routine. Isaac will grow up to be a great leader-he can sell ice to an eskimo. He just needs to flash his great smile & most people melt. Isaac's very favorite thing in the world is soda-the other day we were outside playing. I continue to have a very bad habit of drinking way too much soda. My soda can was empty & Isaac asked for a drink. I told him it was gone. He picked it up & tried to take a drink anyway. When he realized he couldn't get any, he looked at me & said "Hey....I have an idea. maybe I could just run in the house & get a soda for you & me to share, I mean...you'd like some more & I'd like some." Totally-dead pan serious. Those were his exact words. I almost wanted to give into him just because his effort was so great. Manipulation is in the eye of the beholder! Isaac can also be my most difficult child-when he puts his mind to something or when he gets mad-look out! The tazmanian devil doesn't stand a chance against Isaac. Isaac is great gift from God & we are so thankful for him.
Shamie-last but definitely not least Shamie. Shamie is a crack-up. She is always, always making a funny face or doing something goofy. Dan & I have the hardest time disciplining her because she is so silly, always. We often have to compose ourselves before we talk to her. Shamie is an amazing independent almost 3 year old. She can do so many things that most kids her age can't do. She is sweet, funny, & loves to be held. She has definitely stolen our hearts. Shamie is also very, very stubborn & often does things to intentionally irritate her siblings. She's a picker. But she's just so darn cute that she often gets away with it.
We will finalize our adoptions in the next few months & then we'll be an official family of 7. I'm going to use my posts to keep people updated on that process too. Please keep us all in your prayers as we have daily growing pains.

"I Forgotted"

"I Forgotted". This is the new favorite mantra of some of our children. It works well (in their minds) anytime, anyplace, anywhere to describe why they were doing the exact opposite of what we asked them to do. Maybe I ask too many questions. It seems like a logical way to get the kids to understand that they were, in fact, disobeying what we asked them to do/not do. So...a typical conversation sound like this. (ME) Hey ..., you are playing behind the car-where did daddy ask you to be? (Guilty party) Uhhh..., Umm...., Uhhh....the grass. (ME) Yes...the grass, but you weren't on the grass. Why? (Guilty party) Uhhh..., Ummm....., Uhhhh...I forgotted. Yes-that pretty much sums up every single conversation we have in a day. You have to understand that we just sent them outside about 2 minutes prior & before they walked out the door stated the expectations & had them repeated back to us. So-it gets a LITTLE bit frustrating. I'm thinking that someday in the morning when they are sitting at the breakfast table yelling for some breakfast I might just play the "I Forgotted" card. Well...a mom can dream, can't she?

Idle Threats

In motherhood, I have learned very quickly that idle threats do NOT work. That is true even more now than ever. We are getting family pictures taken tomorrow & I had to run out to get a couple more things because heaven forbid we don't match exactly in our first real family picture. This is where my OCD kicks in. We did last minute haircuts for Noah & Jasmine & things were NOT good with two of the little ones then. A prudent mother would have gone straight home-not me. I'm stubborn, controlling, & don't care if everyone in the tri-state area is staring at us. We made it into Target without incident. Once inside, we had gotten everything we needed-Isaac asked if we could look at the toys. He knew we weren't going to get anything but could we just please, please, please look? Once again, a prudent mother would have gotten out while everyone was still in one piece. I cannot say no to Isaac-there is just something in his chemical makeup that turns me into mush & HE KNOWS IT. I threatened each child with a punishment near death if they touched anything, asked for anything, or threw a fit about not getting something. They all smiled, nodded, & with their best faces on said they would never, ever even think about doing those things. Well, you all know where this is going. Brian's threat was to have to hold my hand if he touched things. I gave him a three strike rule tonight-I was feeling a little graceful. Of course ,he actually touched about 243 things before I actually carried through on my threat. So...picture this. One small child inside the cart screaming; me holding one child's hand while he clawed at me, screamed at the top of his lungs, and drug his feet; one other poor child crying because it was "too loud" & two other kids oblivious to everything around them just hoping that maybe, just maybe mom (in a moment of crisis) will give in and get us something. Wow-my head still hurts from all the screaming! The obvious answer to this dilemma is don't do this to myself & the children. Well-we'll at least match for our picture tomorrow!

Beatitudes

The kids are learning about the Beatitudes at church/Sunday School. I help with Jasmine's Kindergarten class so I get to sit in & listen to what the kids are learning. Every time I hear about, read about, think about the Beatitudes I am always, always convicted in my spirit. I realize that I often do exactly the opposite of what Jesus teaches. I'm good at telling my kids what to do & how to do it. Most of my "junk" is inside & really can't be seen by the naked eye. At times I serve or do something for someone but inside I'm seething or irritated or frustrated or expecting a return favor later. Keeping score in my head is something I'm a master at. Poor Dan-he knows this about me but it still shocking to him when he does something small & I freak out because he has done that exact thing everyday for a week! Talk about a lady that needs some medication! All this to say that in this time I need the Beatitudes. I need Jesus more than ever. I am tired both physically & emotionally. I am frustrated & there are days that I wake up and don't want to do this anymore. I know, pity party, boo hoo-sorry but today is one of those days that I'm feeling overwhelmed by all that I do, all that I SHOULD do, all that I don't do, and all of those things that I don't even think about but somebody needs to do! So...for anyone needing a slap in the face to get over yourself (like I need A LOT)-I suggest reading your Bible. Right now I'm going to study the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:2-12)& hopefully with God's help get myself recentered on what is really important.

Here goes...

So-I start a blog & then realize "I don't have a ton of time to keep up a blog". I will update this as much as possible. Days around here can be crazy, like any family. I think I will just jump right into it. My current most frustrating issue is PUBLIC TOILETS!! Funny thing to be frustrated about, I know. My issue isn't with the toilets themselves it is with my children's facination, borderline obsession, with them. We cannot go ANYWHERE without visiting the potty at least once. Because of my controlling nature (yes, I know that I am controlling & I'm working on it!!), I have every kid try to go potty before we leave the house. I trust Noah so if he says he doesn't have to go-that's fine but everyone else I make try before we leave. However, it never, ever fails that someone has to go once we enter the establishment whether it be Target, Chipotle, wherever! We'll be sitting there eating & one kiddo will say I've got to go & then everyone else (sans Noah) starts screaming about how they have to go. You know kids & how when they really have to go to the bathroom they start grabbing themselves or doing the potty dance. None of that happens, it's just zero to everyone dying of a full bladder all of a sudden. You might be reading this thinking "seriously, who cares, my kids do that." If that is the case let me know & then maybe, just maybe I won't be so frustrated about it. There are two things that help me justify my frustration-1. at home nobody and I mean nobody will use the potty without a fight. We were told by many a therapist that kids can really only control 2 things in their world-what goes in their mouth & what comes out of their body. Wow, is that ever true. At home you would think I am asking them to pour hot oil on their body the way they kick, scream, & cry about using the potty. 2nd frustrating thing-public toilets are not only enticing to us, they are a laxative. We all feel the need to poop in public. Oh well, at least they are regular!!! Somedays I feel that toliets are taking over my world. So crazy! This is the stuff that will make me laugh when my kids are grown, right!?!

In the Beginning

In the beginning, Dan & Kelly met each other as geeky 7th graders. We fell in love & after many, many breakups we decided no one else would have us, so let's get married! After getting married, I was ready to have kids instantly! Dan's plan was to have kids 5 years into the marriage. Well...1 year and 3 months after we were married, Noah(now 7) arrived! We always had talked about having a big family. However, a miscarriage and a stillborn child later, we were fearful that maybe God didn't want us to have a big family. We were pleasantly surprised when I unexpectantly got pregnant with Isaac (now 3-almost 4). The pregnancy with Isaac was (while very, very wanted) stressful, exhausting, terrifying, and required a TON of medical intervention. I had my tubes tied after Isaac was born-we decided that the risk of losing another child was too great & too much for me to handle. We decided to enjoy having two boys & see what God had in store for us later. Once Isaac turned 3, my pregnancy itch kicked back in. I WANTED a baby more than almost anything in the world. We investigated international adoption, infant adoption, etc. but decided we could not afford $30,000-$40,000. For heaven's sake, my husband is a pastor-that is what he makes a year & will ALWAYS make a year! So...after much fear we decided to look into foster care adoption. We joined forces with Project 1.27. Project 1.27 is an awesome organization whose goal is to decrease the amount of kids in Colorado waiting for their forever family. We have filled out more paperwork than you can imagine, been fingerprinted numerous times (amazing, but true), been background checked, poked, prodded, and have jumped through hoops but we are now the proud prospective adoptive parents of Jasmine, Brian, and Shamie. The purpose of this blog is for me to journal my days and their craziness. The kids are 7, 6, 4, 3, and 2 years old. I spend my days wiping snot, wiping bottoms, putting out mini-fires, doing laundry, reading books, feeding an army, and the list goes on and on. I am, by nature, an extremely sarcastic person. This blog will probably always have a sarcastic tone to it. I think this blog will be more for me than anyone else. My days, like I said above, are busy & very frustrating sometimes. Meshing together two families into one is hard enough but throw in a mess of issues due to abandonment and you've got yourself quite a party! I think once I get a lot of the stuff down that frustrates ME I will realize it is actually pretty funny. I mean, really, what isn't funny about a boy whose talent is peeing with no hands and another who needs to strip down to nothing to go the bathroom and then misses the toilet completely-every time! It doesn't seem funny when I'm cleaning up the messes but I wouldn't change my life for anything in the world.