Hello, my name is Kelly (Hi Kelly). I've been a controller since August 1, 1977. My low point came when my adoptive children moved in and I would have battles about simple things like where they put their plate or what clothes they wore. I'm proud to say that I have been control free for 15 seconds.
Yep, I'm controlling. Now, to be fair, there are some things that I NEED to be controlling about right now because I have 3 little control freaks living in my home (the cup needs be there...2 cm away from where I set it, I said I wanted water (he really asked for milk but changed his mind as soon as it got there). Also-there are a few good things about being controlling. Controlling people are typically self-motivated (because we want it done our way!), hard-workers (see before), and do-ers. There are a lot, a lot, a lot of controlling people WHO ADOPT. I've thought a lot about that recently wondering why all of us controllers would put ourselves into situations where we are completely out of control. The answer I've arrived at is we are controlling...we see a need and we must control it-we don't think that anyone else is going to do anything so we swoop in & do what needs to be done. Obviously, there were more factors in our adoption than just my controlling nature (compassion, God's will, our obedience, etc).
But, I digress...this whole adoption process has been a hard, hard road. We all have demons in our closets & most of us don't even know it. Christians are particularly bad about any "problems" we have in our lives. We tend to pass it off with a "well-God's not done with me yet...". I can't do that anymore, if I want to be able to attach to my children and have a home that is full of love I've got to make a change. Currently, our home is full of virtual land mines with every single one of us throwing our own brand out for others to step on. Right now, Control, anger, frustration, fear, nausea, irritation, annoyance...characterize our home. I don't want that. No one wants that.
How do I "fix it"? Well, I think that I'm making a good first step by acknowledging my level of control. But the reason I got this way is an underlying issue that I will need to work on my whole life-no I'm not saying that I've experienced trauma that I need to wade through. I'm just saying that you don't get this way overnight. Things will take time. I will need your prayers.
Most importantly I've got Jesus. The only way I can change is by becoming more like Him. That doesn't happen overnight.
Pray for me, pray for our family, pray that we will find peace. Pray that I will open myself up more fully to Jesus than I ever have before.
Well...I take the first step in the process. It's gonna be hard but the souls of my children are worth it.
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