As a dog returns to it's vomit...

That's a great title, huh!?!  Certainly peaked your curiosity and got you here so score 1 for me ;)  Now what in the heck am I talking about???

Proverbs 26:11- Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.

This verse, as graphic and disturbing as it is, has been running through my mind for the past couple of days.  I am currently experiencing a beyond frustrating, multiple time daily occurrence of a child who just will NOT listen.  Like never, ever, EVER.  This child isn't necessarily naughty or disrespectful about it but doesn't listen just the same.

Here is the hard part.  Multiple times DAILY at EVERY meal I say things like, "4 on the floor" which means all legs of your chair on the floor at all times so you don't fall down.  Well again this AM, above mentioned child was up on two legs and lo and behold fell over.  This same child was quite perturbed at me when I dusted him off, did a quick visual assessment for injury, and said, "4 on the floor buddy." I got the look and the attitude of, I canNOT believe that you are NOT calling the national guard in to care for me in my emotional distress.  What kind of mother are you????   Everything in me wanted to just say over and over, "what did I tell you?" "How many times have I told you?".  I think I did manage to slip in a  "that's why we listen bud.  Dad & I don't just talk to hear ourselves talk".  Which is really effective, right!?!  I mean, I, for SURE, began to listen when my mom said THAT.

SO many readers are probably thinking, "Been there, done that.  No big deal." True, True.  However, this is one example of what happens over and over and OVER DAILY!  It begins to wear on a mama when you are treated like you are not worth being listened to and THEN treated like a horrible mom for not preventing these terrible tragedies.

Being a bit of a anxiety & control freak, these experiences take me back to the verse, "Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly- Proverbs 26:11".  I grew up on a farm so I can tell you that a dog does indeed return to his vomit.  I don't want that for my child.  I don't want him to keep making the same silly mistakes over and over and over.  Obvious reasons include keeping him safe but truthfully, the deeper reasons include wanting to be respected, listened to, feel important and be in control.  My nighttime worry is that the older he gets, the bigger the "silly" mistakes will be.  I have said to Dan many times that we'll never be able to live overseas because, "who will bail our kids out of jail?"  Which is a joke but it's the kind of joke that buries itself deep into the heart and mind as a what-if??

My question is WHY???  Why am I not worth being listened to?  Why doesn't he learn from his mistakes?  Why Lord?  Why Lord?  WHY???  I will never know the real answer but from where I sit it looks and feels a lot like a trust issue.  He doesn't feel like I am trustworthy, like I am safe.  I allow him to get hurt…allowed him to get hurt in ways I cannot even imagine before I even knew of him.  Whether these beliefs are true or not, they are his beliefs.  I cannot control that or change that fact.

What can I do?  Why does this hurt so much?  Well guess what!?!  My God is an amazing God and He uses whatever He can to draw us to himself.  God is making it abundantly clear to me that what I see in my son is a HUGE component in my life with Jesus.  I listen if & when I want to. When I  get hurt from the STUPID decisions I've made without consulting Him, I yell, scream, and POUT at Him for clearly not caring about ME.  This is a TRUST issue in my heart and in my gut.  Everyday with my thoughts, words, and deeds I say, "Jesus, I got this 'cause I just don't trust you to get it right."

Hmmm…it's a good thing I'm eating a little humble pie 'cause suddenly I have the overwhelming taste of vomit in my own mouth.  Yep, gotcha Lord.  Thanks for the slap upside the head.  Okay Lord, what can I do??  Luckily, unlike my sweet boy, my beliefs CAN be changed.  I can look to Jesus.  I can read about Him.  I can lean on his unchanging grace.  I can admit that I NEED YOU LORD and my kids NEED you!  This is not up to me but to you.  Continue the good work that you started in me Lord.

Mostly importantly, Lord, help me remember that vomit is not very tasty.

Something Beautiful

Where to begin? First, I decided to give my blog a little face lift, an update if you will. I have been contemplating starting up my blog again. I thought about it, I prayed about it, I talked with Dan about it and then finally, today I decided to do it!



Oh my goodness...as I look at this blog and where it started I am in awe! I hardly even recognized those photos on the page. I look at the eyes of all those photographed and remember the pain, anguish, stress, hate, confusion, anger, and hurt behind them. As I read the posts that I wrote I am thrust back into a desperate, searching time and it hurts...still.



You know what? PRAISE GOD, OUR LORD AND SAVIOR!!! As I remember those eyes and those times and those people, I am blessed to know that through it all GOD WAS THERE and we are no longer those people! While our eyes may always hold some of those memories, our hearts are being captured by Jesus. He is delicately carving out the wounded, infected, and unhealthy parts; what He is leaving behind is a scar, for no surgery, no matter how small can be done without a scar. However, the scar, while ugly and painful at times, serves a higher purpose-it serves to remind us to fix our eyes on Him. Through Him, no matter how scarred and ugly something is on this Earth, we become something beautiful.



Thank you Lord Jesus. Thank you for removing the scales from my eyes, thank you for being that still, small light in the darkness. From this day forward my heart can never be the same and for that I am more than grateful.

It's been a long, long time

Wow-It has been a long time since I have blogged. I really feel like I'm ready to pick it back up again and hope that my audience is ready for it to.
I haven't had a lot to say about things for awhile. To be honest, I was really, really stuck in a nasty place. I HATED being in Yankton, parts of me HATED being an adoptive parent, and I HATED that I HATED so many things in my life. I was angry at God...angry that He could allow things to be so difficult for us when we were just trying to be obedient to Him. I mean really, c'mon now...doesn't He know that the world revolves around me? I thought everyone knew that!

It really took my trip to Haiti to help me put things into perspective. Hear me well, I am not "fixed", I am not running around in a euphoric stupor (that's just when I've worked a night shift and haven't gotten enough sleep-you've all seen it!), I am still a sinful and angry little person. I'm just trying really hard to see all the blessings I have in my life and around my life.

It has taken me awhile to process my trip to Haiti (yep-I'm admittedly a very slow processor). It was so wonderful and horrible at the same time. It was a trip full of contradictions at every pass. I loved every SINGLE minute of my trip-even the bus ride from the Dominican, it was actually a greyhound-like bus with a toilet, amazing!!!
I went with a group organized by World Wide Village, a ministry active in Haiti before the earthquake. My immediate group contained a doctor, a nurse, a paramedic (my family's awesome friend Tyler!), an EMT, and a social work student. Once we made it to our destination, Leogane-we were linked up with 2 other groups of health care workers (trauma surgeons, ortho surgeons, orthos, nurses, OBs, anesthetists, nurse anesthetists, infection disease specialists, etc.) It was awesome and I ran into some of the coolest people ever. Egos abound when you have that many "important" people running around but all in all it was pretty good.
My main focus was at the clinic where I helped with wound care. Saw some pretty interesting stuff that was probably super disgusting when it first happened (I was there 1 month post quake). Other things I did was help at our hospital/MASH unit doing "nurse stuff" IVs, meds, recovering patients, getting bossed around by drs :) Another day we went on a mobile clinic up in the mountains of Haiti-went to a "town" called Troiun (pronounced Twaa) I so wish I knew French. The native language is Kreyol-which is a mixture of french and african tribal language.

I loved every minute of what I was doing. Meeting tangible needs-being able to make a difference right there in that moment. The sucky part was knowing that I wasn't changing anything in the "big scheme of things". The people I worked with still had to go home to a tent or a makeshift shelter-even after a c-section! I was so humbled by the trust that was placed in me and my team. Someone that I told that said-"well, what choice did they have?" I don't think that was it-maybe a little bit, but it was still amazing to me. Could you imagine laying on a cot in a freezing (we had A/C, sort of, in our hospital and the Haitians got SO cold!), make shift hospital having a crazy-looking white lady standing over you holding a large needle to start an IV? That is trust, pure and simple my friend. I'm not that trusting-maybe I should work on that!

Another realization I came to is I'm a pretty ignorant person. Forgive me for saying so, but Americans as a whole kinda are. How many of us have been guilty of saying (or at least not reprimanding the person who says) "they are in our country they should learn OUR language"? Be honest. I feel like we have so much at our fingertips and take so much for granted and expect everything catered to us. I only speak one language and I do that poorly at times. I am impatient and rude. Some of our patients walked for hours upon hours to see us-with major injuries! They stood in line in the hot sun-they put up with that all I could do was smile at them until my interpreter was by my side. Ugh-next time I go I want to be able to communicate a little bit. I felt so ashamed of my lack of skills-but yet the people were gracious and welcoming and just plain awesome.

There is just too much for me to talk about. This blog post could be 50 feet long-I just had such an awesome time and learned so much and saw so much and experienced so much and was extended more grace and love than I have been in a long, long time. I will try to post again in the next few days more thoughts about my trip. By no means do I intend to try to be the expert on Haiti or the earthquake or Haitian culture. I was there 8 days-a blink of an eye. My experiences, opinions, thoughts, feelings are mine and mine alone.

All I know is that I left part of my heart in Haiti and I can't wait to go back again soon!

Controllers Anonymous

Hello, my name is Kelly (Hi Kelly). I've been a controller since August 1, 1977. My low point came when my adoptive children moved in and I would have battles about simple things like where they put their plate or what clothes they wore. I'm proud to say that I have been control free for 15 seconds.

Yep, I'm controlling. Now, to be fair, there are some things that I NEED to be controlling about right now because I have 3 little control freaks living in my home (the cup needs be there...2 cm away from where I set it, I said I wanted water (he really asked for milk but changed his mind as soon as it got there). Also-there are a few good things about being controlling. Controlling people are typically self-motivated (because we want it done our way!), hard-workers (see before), and do-ers. There are a lot, a lot, a lot of controlling people WHO ADOPT. I've thought a lot about that recently wondering why all of us controllers would put ourselves into situations where we are completely out of control. The answer I've arrived at is we are controlling...we see a need and we must control it-we don't think that anyone else is going to do anything so we swoop in & do what needs to be done. Obviously, there were more factors in our adoption than just my controlling nature (compassion, God's will, our obedience, etc).

But, I digress...this whole adoption process has been a hard, hard road. We all have demons in our closets & most of us don't even know it. Christians are particularly bad about any "problems" we have in our lives. We tend to pass it off with a "well-God's not done with me yet...". I can't do that anymore, if I want to be able to attach to my children and have a home that is full of love I've got to make a change. Currently, our home is full of virtual land mines with every single one of us throwing our own brand out for others to step on. Right now, Control, anger, frustration, fear, nausea, irritation, annoyance...characterize our home. I don't want that. No one wants that.

How do I "fix it"? Well, I think that I'm making a good first step by acknowledging my level of control. But the reason I got this way is an underlying issue that I will need to work on my whole life-no I'm not saying that I've experienced trauma that I need to wade through. I'm just saying that you don't get this way overnight. Things will take time. I will need your prayers.
Most importantly I've got Jesus. The only way I can change is by becoming more like Him. That doesn't happen overnight.

Pray for me, pray for our family, pray that we will find peace. Pray that I will open myself up more fully to Jesus than I ever have before.

Well...I take the first step in the process. It's gonna be hard but the souls of my children are worth it.

OOOh...this is good stuff to help people try to understand

I am borrowing this from a fellow adoptive parents website-she is awesome & has an awesome support group. I WISH I had it as together as she did & was brave enough to say what she says. RAD stands for reactive attachment disorder-something that every adoptive child/adoptive family deals with on some level to some degree. On that note...here it is:
"From Diana, who I love very much. We are so very different, but so very the same (which is my favorite kind of person!). She is an encouragement to me. You will not find a mother who advocates or fights harder for her kids ... even when it means getting snarky. Today's quote is just a little reminder for all of us. We have all found ourselves being judgmental in some way at some time. My high point was before I had kids and I knew EVERYTHING about parenting. Anyone else? Come on ... I see that hand, sister! I will say that one of the most painful things I've had said to me in the last year and a half was, "Ah heck, MY kids do that!" You could probably isolate some of these behaviors and identify them as "developmentally appropriate." However, in our homes, they are multiplied by a million and then laced with speed.Oh, how I wish I were exaggerating. Seriously. No exaggeration. And on that note ... ladies and gentlement ...

Diana:"What? You don’t get it? You can’t imagine an adorable precious 5 year old child creating this much terror and driving their mother to such lunacy? You want to try to minimize the situation or one-up me by telling me this is just “normal” kid stuff and your “normal” kid does this, too? Perhaps you’re finding yourself wanting to dole out all sorts of benevolent parenting advice…or maybe you’re tempted to judge me because of my honesty and blame me for causing all the problems – maybe he’s the way he is because I’m too strict in some areas or too permissive in others or because I have anger issues of my own? Well, let me tell you. If you fall into any of those categories above, spare me the lecture (I’ve heard them all anyway) and get down on your knees right now and thank God that you don’t get it. Seriously. Rather than trying to play the hero armchair quarterback, get down and thank God that you don’t know what it’s like to live with a traumatized child…a child who is the way he is because of the STUPID, SELFISH choices of other people…and then pray that His grace and mercy and strength will be with those of us who do live with these kids and that He will carry us through the rough times like this. And when you’re done, hug your own kids a little tighter; catch them doing something right; express a little more gratitude for them; take a few minutes to play with them and don’t forget to tell them just how much you love them and how glad you are to be their parent."

We love our children. We do not regret our children. We accept and embrace this crazy, RADical life we live. We are committed to their health and well being. And we absolutely, positively cannot do it alone. If you are called to be in our lives, to be our support, we will kiss you on the mouth and let you know what we need from you (always, ALWAYS, start with something sweet and fattening). If you just don't get it, don't feel bad. It even took all of US a long time to get it. Just journal it. Keep it to yourself unless you are asking questions to learn and understand more. Our children are scared, yes, but it does result in us getting emotionally beat to a pulp each and every day. As my Mom and Dad used to say (usually to a Deacon - ba-dum-bum-CHING!), "Hey! I can get this kind of abuse at home. I don't need it from you!"
"It takes a village to keep a special needs parent from jumping off the roof."-Christine Moers"

I love it. If I had guts and a better vocabulary, I'd say the exact same thing. We love you all & we appreciate you being in our lives. God put you there for a reason. So...Pray for us, Love us, Tolerate Us, but most of all just let us know that you are there.

Sorry...I lied

I know I said I was done posting but this is too important. There is a boy who needs a good, stable home. I don't know this boy but I read his mother's blog. I got to her blog through a series of other adoption/post adoption/reactive attachment disorder blogs that I read. It helps to read that others are going through the same stuff as you-or worse. I am not a good savvy blogger so I'll have to just post the link for you to go to. This boy will need a loving home in which he is the youngest (by a ways) or the only child. Please forward this to whoever you think might be interested. Please, please pray for this boy & this family. I CANNOT imagine having to make this choice. The website is: http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/family-needed/

Thanks & keep praying!

I wanted to take a quick minute to let people know that I will no longer be blogging at this site. The original purpose of this blog was to keep people posted on our adoption process. That has been successful & so my blog served it's purpose. Keep checking Dan's blog for some good postings. If anyone is interested in any good adoption blogs to read or blogs about Reactive Attachment Disorder you can email me at kelly.freng@live.com and I'll send those to you. Thanks.