Why?

It is a simple 3 letter word. It is a word that ANY parent of a 2 year old hates to hear. Why? Why? Why? Why can be a crippling word in so, so many ways, at least for me.

When our son, Samuel died prematurely almost 6 years ago-I was obsessed with the reason why? I poured through my medical records and relived that night over and over and over again through the nurse's and doctor's charting. I learned the medical reason why my son died but that didn't quench my desire to know why, to know why God let it happen. It has been almost 6 years and I still don't know why but I am at peace with it now.

I am currently crippled with the question of Why? when it relates to my adopted children. I love my children and am glad that God brought them into my family. But my days are hard, in an very hard to define, describe, explain kinda way. My life used to be much, much easier. I was a loving, kind, stay at home mom (or very part-time working mom). I had time to pour into my two sons. I could play with them, read with them, be silly with them, hug them, tease them, take them out for some one on one time.

Then...God called us to adopt. Please, hear me well...I LOVE my adopted children. I LOVE them. I do NOT wish them gone. This is just plain HARD-still in that hard to define, describe, or explain kinda way. And so I ask God...Why? Why God? Wasn't I a good mom before? Weren't we raising our kids to love and serve you? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

And, like any parent worth his salt...God doesn't really answer. In my heart, he asks me the question back. Why Kelly? Why do you think I asked you to do this?

And with tears streaming down my face...I know HE is right...and right with me, holding my hand every step of the way...I am not alone.

May God bless you today and NOT answer your question...why?