Attachment issues #879463

Guess what this post is about? Guess what my life revolves around 24-7 for the past 14 months. You guessed it....attachment.

To be fair, I'm really on the tame end of things because to HAVE attachment issues would have to feel horrible, scary, terrifying, and frustrating. But once again, because I am self-confessedly selfish, controlling, & just want things better-being on the receiving end of attachment issues ain't no picnic either!

This post is totally heart-felt. It is me being raw, honest, and broken. It is not intended to hurt anyone-it is just how I feel & how I see it. A wise person once told me that a person's perspective is their reality...even if it's wrong it is what seems true to them. Through all of this yuck I DO have Jesus in my heart. I canNOT imagine doing this without Jesus. I probably would have left 12 months ago-and that is true, honest, but true. So...with that preface, this post better be good

Attachment issues SUCK. They are horrible. The best way to describe them and why they exist is that if you don't have a person you can adequately attach to or those attachments keep being broken due to mistrust, abuse, etc. you have trouble truly "attaching" to anyone. For most of us, attachment begins in the womb with our mothers. However, if your womb environment was compromised due to drug use, alcohol use, lack of nutrition, etc-your attachment process is stunted. If not worked through as a child they can work themselves into some pretty nasty behaviors. So, this really is a serious issue.

Our adoptive kids have been through more in their short years than I can ever begin to imagine. My heart hurts to think about it but because I didn't live it I can't understand it-truly. They have been loved by a lot, hurt by a lot (particularly those who were supposed to love and protect them), and are deeply wounded. However, the wounds are so deep that only those closest to them can see them. Those who make it into the safe zone. I am blessed and cursed to be in that safe zone. People who don't really know us see us and make judgements about us based on how we look on the outside-and I'll be the first to admit...we are adorable. Especially when we tilt our head to the side, scrunch up our nose, and give an ADORABLE cheesy grin. (after I posted this I realized that this portion sits right next to the picture of Jasmine doing this exact thing-look over to your right-ha, ha, ha!!!)

Did I mention that hurt and unattached children are really, really good at faking it? They can wrap even the hardest hearted person around their little pinky-it's a challenge and it shows power and control. And guess what-you don't even know they are doing it!!! So the general public looks at us and sees adorable, well adjusted children. Then, when in public, a child does something AGAIN for the 1 millionith time or just something incredibly bizaare and I give that child a consequence I look like the meanest, most heartless person in the world. Or at least a little crazy for the disproportionate reaction-I mean, honestly, they are cute so they couldn't do anything wrong, right!?!

The most basic way to attach to someone is through physical touch, in fact, as I type this my son, Isaac is sitting on my lap (he's in that glorious cannot read yet phase). He is rubbing his cheek on my cheek-perfectly normal, acceptable behavior. It feels good to us both & it affirms us both that we love each other. Physical touch is such a tough thing with adoptive children-either they crave it too much and it gets inappropriate or they hate it and they'll do something inappropriate to get away from it.

This issue is as much my issue as it is my kids. I extend to them and they tell me they hate me. Or I extend to them and they get really inappropriate. Appropriate touch is learned-as is inappropriate touch. It still feels akward-it is still incredibly uncomfortable to hold some of my adoptive kids on my lap or give them a genuine hug. I struggle with this. Will we ever get this? Can I ever trust them? Will they ever trust me? Can any of us let our walls crumble down enough to attach to each other and love each other the way God intended? Our God is a compassionate God...he gifts us all with compassion (some more than others)-he also has created humans with the Fight or Flight reflex when we are in an intense situation. Which is right? Which do I choose?

So...this incredibly long post is to say that I need prayer. I need to be broken more and trust more. I need friends to come along side of me and my family and help us. I miss my friends. I miss that I had people who knew us before this adventure began and lived through this with us. I miss having people who can truly say-you remember 10 months ago, this is SO much better and mean it. I just miss being known. God put us here for some reason. I don't know why but I do know that he did. Where God leads, he will provide. I have to believe that. For today, I ask for your prayers and your compassion on our family.