I wanted to take a quick minute to let people know that I will no longer be blogging at this site. The original purpose of this blog was to keep people posted on our adoption process. That has been successful & so my blog served it's purpose. Keep checking Dan's blog for some good postings. If anyone is interested in any good adoption blogs to read or blogs about Reactive Attachment Disorder you can email me at kelly.freng@live.com and I'll send those to you. Thanks.

Space issues

No, I'm not talking about Pluto becoming a dwarf planet; or the water planet that Isaac says he loves me to & back again (which I'm not sure if it really exists or not...but it's cute)-I'm talking about the good old fashioned "I need my space" kinda space.
Here is my scenario-we live in a 3 bedroom 3 leveled townhome-it is awesome it has all the functional space we need. The 3 boys share the master bedroom, the girls share a room, and Dan, Thelma, and I share a room! We have a perfect amount of living space for our needs right now.
Here is my problem-I have 5 small children. 5 of whom LOVE Noah's stuff. Noah is so frustrated when he builds a cool lego thingy and comes home from school and it is destroyed or his nerf gun darts are chewed up, or his favorite GI joe's pants have disappeared & may reappear on Barbie next door-hmmm....
I've tried many, many different things. What prompted this post was Brian walking past me holding one of Noah's old soccer trophies and Shamie following him holding Noah's nerf gun and Noah's "special" teddy bear. All three of those are on the do NOT touch list but yet...in plain sight they are walking around with them.
Anyone have any practical solutions for this problem? I don't blame Noah for being upset but being a younger sibling myself, I remember how cool my older sister's stuff was. If anyone has come up a good or at least workable solution for this problem I'd love to hear it.

Why?

It is a simple 3 letter word. It is a word that ANY parent of a 2 year old hates to hear. Why? Why? Why? Why can be a crippling word in so, so many ways, at least for me.

When our son, Samuel died prematurely almost 6 years ago-I was obsessed with the reason why? I poured through my medical records and relived that night over and over and over again through the nurse's and doctor's charting. I learned the medical reason why my son died but that didn't quench my desire to know why, to know why God let it happen. It has been almost 6 years and I still don't know why but I am at peace with it now.

I am currently crippled with the question of Why? when it relates to my adopted children. I love my children and am glad that God brought them into my family. But my days are hard, in an very hard to define, describe, explain kinda way. My life used to be much, much easier. I was a loving, kind, stay at home mom (or very part-time working mom). I had time to pour into my two sons. I could play with them, read with them, be silly with them, hug them, tease them, take them out for some one on one time.

Then...God called us to adopt. Please, hear me well...I LOVE my adopted children. I LOVE them. I do NOT wish them gone. This is just plain HARD-still in that hard to define, describe, or explain kinda way. And so I ask God...Why? Why God? Wasn't I a good mom before? Weren't we raising our kids to love and serve you? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

And, like any parent worth his salt...God doesn't really answer. In my heart, he asks me the question back. Why Kelly? Why do you think I asked you to do this?

And with tears streaming down my face...I know HE is right...and right with me, holding my hand every step of the way...I am not alone.

May God bless you today and NOT answer your question...why?

Attachment issues #879463

Guess what this post is about? Guess what my life revolves around 24-7 for the past 14 months. You guessed it....attachment.

To be fair, I'm really on the tame end of things because to HAVE attachment issues would have to feel horrible, scary, terrifying, and frustrating. But once again, because I am self-confessedly selfish, controlling, & just want things better-being on the receiving end of attachment issues ain't no picnic either!

This post is totally heart-felt. It is me being raw, honest, and broken. It is not intended to hurt anyone-it is just how I feel & how I see it. A wise person once told me that a person's perspective is their reality...even if it's wrong it is what seems true to them. Through all of this yuck I DO have Jesus in my heart. I canNOT imagine doing this without Jesus. I probably would have left 12 months ago-and that is true, honest, but true. So...with that preface, this post better be good

Attachment issues SUCK. They are horrible. The best way to describe them and why they exist is that if you don't have a person you can adequately attach to or those attachments keep being broken due to mistrust, abuse, etc. you have trouble truly "attaching" to anyone. For most of us, attachment begins in the womb with our mothers. However, if your womb environment was compromised due to drug use, alcohol use, lack of nutrition, etc-your attachment process is stunted. If not worked through as a child they can work themselves into some pretty nasty behaviors. So, this really is a serious issue.

Our adoptive kids have been through more in their short years than I can ever begin to imagine. My heart hurts to think about it but because I didn't live it I can't understand it-truly. They have been loved by a lot, hurt by a lot (particularly those who were supposed to love and protect them), and are deeply wounded. However, the wounds are so deep that only those closest to them can see them. Those who make it into the safe zone. I am blessed and cursed to be in that safe zone. People who don't really know us see us and make judgements about us based on how we look on the outside-and I'll be the first to admit...we are adorable. Especially when we tilt our head to the side, scrunch up our nose, and give an ADORABLE cheesy grin. (after I posted this I realized that this portion sits right next to the picture of Jasmine doing this exact thing-look over to your right-ha, ha, ha!!!)

Did I mention that hurt and unattached children are really, really good at faking it? They can wrap even the hardest hearted person around their little pinky-it's a challenge and it shows power and control. And guess what-you don't even know they are doing it!!! So the general public looks at us and sees adorable, well adjusted children. Then, when in public, a child does something AGAIN for the 1 millionith time or just something incredibly bizaare and I give that child a consequence I look like the meanest, most heartless person in the world. Or at least a little crazy for the disproportionate reaction-I mean, honestly, they are cute so they couldn't do anything wrong, right!?!

The most basic way to attach to someone is through physical touch, in fact, as I type this my son, Isaac is sitting on my lap (he's in that glorious cannot read yet phase). He is rubbing his cheek on my cheek-perfectly normal, acceptable behavior. It feels good to us both & it affirms us both that we love each other. Physical touch is such a tough thing with adoptive children-either they crave it too much and it gets inappropriate or they hate it and they'll do something inappropriate to get away from it.

This issue is as much my issue as it is my kids. I extend to them and they tell me they hate me. Or I extend to them and they get really inappropriate. Appropriate touch is learned-as is inappropriate touch. It still feels akward-it is still incredibly uncomfortable to hold some of my adoptive kids on my lap or give them a genuine hug. I struggle with this. Will we ever get this? Can I ever trust them? Will they ever trust me? Can any of us let our walls crumble down enough to attach to each other and love each other the way God intended? Our God is a compassionate God...he gifts us all with compassion (some more than others)-he also has created humans with the Fight or Flight reflex when we are in an intense situation. Which is right? Which do I choose?

So...this incredibly long post is to say that I need prayer. I need to be broken more and trust more. I need friends to come along side of me and my family and help us. I miss my friends. I miss that I had people who knew us before this adventure began and lived through this with us. I miss having people who can truly say-you remember 10 months ago, this is SO much better and mean it. I just miss being known. God put us here for some reason. I don't know why but I do know that he did. Where God leads, he will provide. I have to believe that. For today, I ask for your prayers and your compassion on our family.

Being a parent is...

Being a parent is the most wonderful, most exciting, most magical thing on this earth-it is also the hardest, most painful job. I love my children-all of them. Some I wake up and have to choose to love & that sucks, a lot. Can you imagine that? Doesn't that sound horrible & that I'm some sort of heartless monster. That is how it feels sometimes and sometimes I realize that it is just part of the adoption process. Life in any home in the world is not "normal" and the Freng Family is no exception. Except we get the fun, added challenge of being a "pastor's family"-yeah!!! All in all it's good but there are times (when I'm letting my sin nature overwhelm me or when I'm just being a person) when I'd prefer to not be in the fishbowl. That is a whole other blog post though. Today I want to let you in on some funny (at least to me) happenings around here & how God works in ways I can't even imagine!
First, Jasmine's teacher has two children (grown-ups now) that were adopted from the Foster Care system. Talk about God's hand in all of this. She gets it-or at least more than your average person.
Second-The Yankton School District is utilizing the Boys Town curriculum & teaching the kids basic manners and skills-awesome. Unfortunately, because I'm immature this is how these conversations play out at home-see below.

Jasmine-Hey Mom, I have something to tell you. You know what-if you are doing something & someone else asks you to please stop doing it...well, you should stop doing it.

Me-Really, wow. You mean that if for the past year when you weren't listening to me and doing things that I didn't like if I would have just asked you to stop then you would of. Wow-why didn't I think of that...I really need to tell Dad about this, this is genious, pure genious. So...when someone asks you to stop doing something, you should...

Jasmine-stop, yeah my teacher said that.

Me-Wow-I love it. Maybe we should try that here too, not just at school.

Jasmine-yeah, my teacher is really smart.

Me-Huh!

The next day we have virutally the same conversation about telling people we are sorry when we hurt them. I especially like this one because remorse is not a feeling most neglected kids feel & it's hard to learn. I did selfishly point out that I believe that Dad & I had told her these things for about the past year. But she just reminded me how smart her teacher was & that once she explained it-Jasmine really got it.

Praise God for good teachers!

Someday, maybe someday, I won't be the village idiot to my children. But for now-it's an okay place to be!